Mimi LaValley and 100 Nuns


The sun over Georgia was gently ascending
and the beautiful bugler was barely beginning
to demolish the dreams of the boys at Fort Benning
as the Chef was polluting the plates

Corporal Cornpuff was humping his hummer
when the shriek of a siren disrupted his slumber
by announcing a somewhat disgruntling number
of civilians outside the gates

Well, the coffee was bland and the speeches were blander
as the squadron commander began to meander
in the manner of Hannibal and Alexander
and the grunts were beginning to grunt

he said “see the protestors infesting this sector?
well men, let’s begin exorcising the spectre
in the manner of Hector and Hannibal Lector
those nuns are a menacing front!”

Then Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns
marched up Zuckerman avenue
and the army commander put his head in his hands
as he heard the proverbial thunder of shoes

and he spoke not a word, but the look on his face meant
the whole army base better hide in the basement
strategically speaking, there isn’t a thing to be done
in the face of Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns!

Corporal Clone called to Colonel Cologne
from the outermost reaches of the protest zone
he said I can’t get a signal on my cellular phone
and I sort of suspect foul play

Colonel Cologne, he replied with a scowl
from the tip of his toupee to the brink of his jowel
“hey! only the army’s allowed to play foul!
those protestors are gonna pay!”

and as the General’s jaws clamped down on his denture, he
said “bunch of grandmaws for the state penitentiary
they look like deposits from the seventeenth century
and that’s where the law’s going to send ’em!”

then a soldier in camoulflage stood up and stated
“but your argument, sir, has been neatly negated
by the fact that the army itself is outdated
so their demos are a perfect addendum”
Then, Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns
came marching up Ingersoll Street
and as they were amassing round the School of Assassins
the whole of Fort Benning turned white as a sheet

and Colonel Cologne was too tongue-tied to answer
when Corporal Clone said we don’t stand a chance, sir
all we’ve got are millions of tanks and guns
whereas they’ve got Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns

men were running like rabbits from those heroes in habits
and the sergeant was struggling to stare down the Abbess
and the songs Mimi sung at the top of her lungs
made “The Caisson Song” sound like Barney

the commander was mumbling “where do they come from?
it’s a hundred nuns — what a numbing conundrum!
so forget about the gunnery and get me to a nunnery,
oh please let me out of the army!”

well the view from the war room was less than auspicious
and the boys in munitions were becoming seditious
and the chief statistician and all the tacticians
in strategic command had vamoosed

but they left a report whose conclusions were telling
if you sort of ignored all the grammar and spelling
it said passive resistance is strangely compelling
which none of us could have deduced

and when the Sergeant screamed “charge! They’re surrounding the fort!”
a small silence got large as the soldiers said “Sorta,
if you keep screaming orders, you’ll bust your aorta”
but the Sarge disregarded his health

(to shout) “so when the army gets arduous your skins get thin
well boys I’m gonna discharge you as soon as we win”
“put a lid on it Sarge, we’re not waiting till then
why don’t you handle this battle yourself?”

they unloaded his uzi when they brought the bad news
so he wouldn’t go shooting the bearer
sir all of the squadrons are quitting their quadrants
and the nuns are unleashing their pacifist terror

well the outlook was dreary but it got even drearier
when Mother Superior pierced the interior
and that was the day we saw the SOA overrun
by a team of Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns
You can listen through the gaps in the distant thunderclaps
as the General yaps at his men
he’s saying promise me private that we’re gonna survive it
is he down there talking to his privates again?

Private, either my brain’s going mushy and moist or
they’re cracking Fort Benning in half like an oyster
can you get me their headquarters, phone up the cloister?
can you tell me what this is about?

sir, I ventured outside, and I spoke to a sister,
who put us on a listserve for wartax resisters,
I was going to arrest her, but I’m getting a blister
so I think I’m gonna sit this one out

Well the boys in the fort were dismantling the mortars
when the Corporal reported to the General’s quarters
three-fourths of the fort would be following orders
if you ordered the fort to surrender

because sir I assure you, you’ll be disconcerted
when you learn that the current cadets have deserted,
and I’ve just been alerted that the colonel’s converted
and the sergeant’s rethinking his gender

And the nuns are invading and they’re calmly persuading
our commander to sign up as a monk
besides, Corporal Clone and I just started dating
and he’s probably waiting for me in my bunk

so we’re abandoning camp ’til the nuns overwhelm it
and sir, might I suggest that you tie-dye your helmet
you need a few colors, and khaki is as dull as it comes
but there’s still army bases all over the place so the real work is only begun
and they’re saying Fort Benning is just the beginning,
tomorrow they’re heading for Camp Pendleton
Corporal, give me your honest assessment,
before you go trading your vest for a vestment,
Do you, as a realist, believe that this thing can be done
by a hundred idealists? No, sir, a hundred and one
so the next time you see me, I’ll be marching with Mimi LaValley and a hundred nuns